The Fortress of Fucknuttery goes nuts. The magical imagination tape of doom is commented into existence.
May 17th 2008 - Johnson makes claim that a very very rich super ultra conservative billionaire who hates John Mcain, hates Barack Obama but conveniently can learn to love Hillary Clinton wants to pay whoever HAS the tape ONE MEEELION dollars for it. He wants to pre-empt Mcain and Karl Rove getting their hands on it before they ruin everything for Hillary by hiding it in a super secret location. All of this information was received from a "major Republican operative".
However one sentence later TOO LATE! Karl and his clever minions control it already. And they're showing it around to lots of buddies and 527's with the cash to make anti obama swiftboat ads. That Karl Rove! Machiavellian!
Another friend of Flowbee, has yet another friend who has seen the tape. This friend says the video is "STUNNING". Most likely not, I imagine, because of the production values. This person is also a lawyer so that clearly means he's not full of shit.
Fucknuttery ensues in the comments.
May 19th 2008 - Obama freaks the fuck OUT starts calling people names and makes unspecified threats in an interview for ABC’s "Good Morning America". Sane people see Barack Obama stand up for his wife and calmly, sternly not take any shit from dumb arse smear tactics. Flowbee sees an "extraordinary freakout".
All of this we're made to THINK is in response to a Tennessee Republicans attack ad suggesting Michelle Obama isn't proud enough of her country.
What we DON'T realise (and thankfully Flowbee is onto it) is that in reality it's because Senator Obama is worried about the magical imagination tape of doom coming down the pipe.
"Obama, speaking on ABC’s “Good Morning America” showed fear through his name-calling: “If they think that they’re gonna try to make Michelle an issue in this campaign, they should be careful. Because, that I find unacceptable. … The notion that you start attacking my wife or my family — you know, Michelle is the most honest, the best person I know. She is one of the most caring people I know. She loves this country. And for them to try to distort or to play snippets of her remarks in ways that are unflattering to her I think is … just low class.”Can't you just smell the fear in that incredibly calm, reasonable justified response?!
Meanwhile -
Karl Rove and his boys STILL have the tape and are STILL shopping it around to 527's (Though apparently NOT the Tennessee Republicans). The Republican Billionaire is still trying to hunt it down and still hates Mcain and Obama.
But the tantalizing cliffhanger that will make us definetly come back next week is "Does BARACK OBAMA have a copy of the video?!" Dun DUN DUUUUUUN!!!
In a stunning bit of fuzzy logic Flowbee explains -
"We know that he knows that his wife knows. The video really does exist. If we have to wait until October to see it, Obama might explode before then from the tension."So Obama responding to an ACTUAL Republican attack ad video means that the Imagination Tape Of Doom MUST be real and we now know that he (Sen. Obama) knows that she (Michelle Obama) knows. What i'm she or he knows i'm not sure...
The tension makes fucknuttery in the comments section explode. Barack Obama goes on to win Oregon convincingly and puts himself well within reach of the delegate target required.
26th of May 2008 - So far 4 unnamed "Republican operatives" have "friends" who have seen the tape. An unnamed friend's lawyer has seen it and claimed it was "STUNNING!", an ultra conservative Billionaire (who knows about it but hasn't seen it and who may or may not be the republican version of George Soros) is after it with $1 million before Karl Rove can get it but apparently Karl Rove has it and is flashing it about to all his well moneyed mates.
All of this for Flowbee makes it a "FACT" that "Barack and Michelle Obama would like the tape of her blasting “whitey” during a rant at Jeremiah Wright’s church to never see the light of day."
There is ONE thing however we can all apparently be certain of and that is "the tape will hit the blogosphere and TV land come October if Obama is the nominee." Oggidy boogidy!
"But how do you KNOW flowbee??" i ask...
Flowbee looks up from furiously bashing at his typewriter with the tv on it.
"I have learned from someone in touch with a senior Republican over this holiday weekend that a major McCain backer has a copy of the tape in addition to the one controlled by the Karl Rove folks." he responds with a sense of self righteous all knowing confidence.
"Good grief!" I blurt, "ANOTHER unnamed senior Republican?! And now MCCAIN has a copy!? But what about Hillz?! And the Billionaire!?"
He twitches, sips his luke warm coffee and looks back past his shoulder to the single boarded up window before conspiratorially leaning in close and holding my gaze "McCain’s supporters are not about to cut Hillary a break. They believe that John McCain stands a better chance of beating Barack rather than Hillary. That’s why they are holding the video. They realize showing it now would likely boost support for Hillary and erode support for Obama among the Super Delegates.
I hesitate and wonder if i should bring up the flaw in his logic, why would Karl Rove be working against Mccain in shopping the tape around, when Mcain's people are at opposite ends. Instead i mutter..."but...what does it mean?"
He smiles...turns back to his tired dinosaur of a computer and says "Simply put, McCain wants Obama."
Stunned, i sit back in the filthy pleather couch attempting to avoid the spring protruding through the upholstery. I think for a moment, then can't hold it in any longer.
"But, but...what you're saying makes no sense. If the rethugs want to run against Obama why would Karl Rove, the shrewdest, most ruthless Republican political operative in modern american political history be out there on every Fox News show talking up Hillz? He even has an electoral map that the Clinton campaign has used to prove that shes unbeatable for gods sake! Why would he risk the tape being leaked now by passing it out to his moneyed buddies if he doesn't want it to drop until the GE? Doesn't that fly in the face of what the Mccain people want? You think he's flipped sides? He's working AGAINST Mccain? And as for the Billionaire the ultra conservatives cannot stand the Clintons. They HATE THEM. You don't think any ill feeling they would have towards Mccain would absolutely NO doubt be put aside to solidify the base and beat a Clinton? Why on earth would an ultraconservative Billionaire want to fork over a million bucks to ostensibly give her the Presidency? It makes no sense Flowb. I'm not buying it."
He looks up again and instead of answering my question starts babbling about how angry Michelle Obama is.
"Here’s Michelle–living in a $1.6 million dollar home, graduate of America’s most prestigious universities, and pulling a six-figure salary–and she was not proud of the United States until Barack ran for President."
"I think you're missing the point of what she was sayin..." I start before he cuts me off.
"Know what? The average angry, bitter white person. who is clinging to God and guns and not living in a mansion, not able to afford college, and making less than $50,000 a year, does not know what her damn problem is."
Raising my voice, a little annoyed, i fire back..."Jesus christ are you hearing yourself? She came from the South Side of Chigago man! Shes the epitomy of the American dream. Rags to riches, nothing to something...all on her own two feet. Shes not speaking AT these people mate shes speaking TO them, as someone who has made it. As someone who KNOWS what it's like on that side of the tracks. To know hopelessness and ignorance. Yet the dream IS achievable. Shes saying look at me! The man will get you down, and force you down and divide you and try to conquer you but hope, hard work, community it can get you anywhere."
He flashes a sneer and dismisses me with the wave of a hand as if to say "There is no telling you anything".
I don't let up. "You still haven't answered any of my questions and instead you fly off the handle again. I'm not sure what your actual problem is with her Flowbee, but much like this "tape" nonsense it feels completely like some sort of knee jerk rumour mongering stemming from a pretty dark place of hate for her husband. Which i might add seems to be a mixture of some sour grapes over him beating Hillz, a little bit of racism, a bizzare bunch of mixed up re-enactments and minimization of every civil rights movement in history and a whole lot of entitlement. This isn't a freakin monarchy guy! I'm neither seeing it or buying it."
Getting in my face and forcing me by the arm to the door, he vigorously opens it and shoves me out. He points towards the main exit and with a manic look in his eye screams.
"Michelle needs an attitude adjustment! Americans don’t want a nattering nabob of negativism in their face for the next four years. And that will become increasingly clear as America gets to know Michelle.
He slams the door in my face.
May 31st 2008 - BREAKING NEWS! The Fortress goes into fucknut overload as King Flowbee promises "New and dramatic developments. This is a heads up. I’ll post the news Monday morning by 0900 hours (Thats 9AM for the non CIA affiliated plebs)."
The world can't wait. The internet buzz i suspect our hero Flowbee was hoping for goes into overdrive. He implies he's seen the tape by suggesting he only NOW knows why "people who have seen the videotape say it is stunning."
Monday morning cannot come quick enough for the fucktards...surely THIS is it. Finally...the one true fork that will be stuck in Obama!! He's DONE!
June 1st 2008 - Bud White, Ex Police Officer and NQ Fucktard #12, lends credence and and weight to the mystery with a "magical imagination tape intermission".
An intermission that essentially goes something like "Roger Stone has heard about the tape from several unnamed "news" organizations, who have been in touch with him asking if HE has heard of it. And because he hasn't, he learns more about it from them asking him about it, so therefore it MUST BE REAL!!" AIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
That would be the Roger Stone responsible for the anti hillary hate group - C.U.N.T. (Clearly only misogynist if Barack Obama is at least 10 degrees seperated from it).
And as Bud points out...much like the Ultra Conservative Billionaire, Roger Stone, all of a sudden conveniently loves Hillz!
Why? Well because shes playing with a deck of kitchen sink politics right out of Roger's dirty tricks bag.
"Stone detests Hillary Clinton’s politics but admires her pugnacity. He wrote recently on his Web site, an erratically updated collection of observations called Stonezone.com, “I must admit she has demonstrated true grit and Nixonian-like tenacity in the face of adversity.” Stone particularly admires Clinton’s attempt to hang the “elitist” tag on Barack Obama. “It’s a good idea,” he said."It must be LOVE! At least thats what Bud thinks - "That hate for elitists might just be why this political insider is going after Obama."
YEAH! Cause the guy who just paid off his college fees, worked for the poor on the south side of Chicago and lived for a time as a kid in a 3rd world country is the elitist. The woman who is a former first lady, earned a combined 109 million dollars in the last 8 years and comes from the Rodham family fortune is blue collar to the bone, I sure am glad Roger Stone is ON THE CASE!!
"Although it’s unclear how much involvement Stone had in outing Spitzer, he clearly is corroborating what Larry Johnson has been reporting on for weeks"CLEARLY!
June 2nd 2008 - 0900 hours arrives! And with it the breaking news the internet has been waiting for. Somewhere along the way, probably because he himself implied it and the fucktards in all their glory went with it, Flowbee's "Breaking News" turned into "Flowbee has tape, is releasing, or at least has transcript, or maybe is re-enacting with interpretive gypsy folk dance BYO fork!"
Alas 120 NQ Hillz hearts shattered into 17 million pieces and the majority of the car crash watching blogsphere started laughing incredulously when the clock finally ticked over and Flowbee revealed ALL -
"I learned over the weekend why the Republicans who have seen the tape of Michelle Obama ranting about “whitey” describe it as “STUNNING.” I have not seen it but I have heard from five separate sources who have spoken directly with people who have seen the tape."Whoops indeed! So we still haven't seen the tape. There are now 5 unnamed people who have apparently all spoken to other unnamed people who have all seen the tape. And now it's not just that she said "WHITEY" in some race screed that will make the poor widdle powerless white man's ears bleed in horror, no, shes now sitting next to everyone's favourite code for Black Hate/White enslavement, Louis Farakhan.
"It features Michelle Obama and Louis Farrakhan. They are sitting on a panel at Jeremiah Wright’s Church when Michelle makes her intemperate remarks. Whoops!!"
Jesus H Christ on a bicycle Flowbee...this is DYNAMITE! If only it were true. But it doesn't really NEED to be true does it? No...all it needs to be is a whisper campaign filled with enough plausible details and information so as to make it seem legitimate. We've already twisted Michelle Obama's words about her pride in the nation, we've got now TWO whacky preachers saying scary insulting stuff at the same church, we've got the "Obama is a muslim" meme out there already, we've got the "he hates white people" meme, the "elitist" meme and the "he and the big bad evil DNC are stealing everything from women and our girl Hillz just when she was so close and it was rightfully hers" meme!
So here's an idea...why the fuck don't we put that ALL in one big awesome imaginary video tape that ticks all these boxes and then we'll stick the arch nemesis himself in there, Louis Farakhan, just in case the plebs don't get it and aren't afeared enough already. Then...over a three week period we drop essentially the same story every few days with little bits added for authenticity, Karl Rove, a Billionaire, secretive republican operatives, a bobble head validating it on television, friends of friends and then let the gossipy nature of the internet do the work for us.
Job done.
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